The Start of Something New.
Inspiration hits me whilst I stand in my makeshift shower staring at the reflection of a spider in a sheet of glass leaning against a half-finished bathroom wall. To my left is a sleeping forest, slightly lit by the moon, to my right the construction site that will manifest into a bathroom in a month or so. I stand here, on a couple of planks thirty centimetres from the ground, staring at the spider and thinking to my self, 'This would absolutely never happen in England.' And it hit me, I know how I feel and I know I have made the right choice.
I have literally been thrown from one extreme to another, from a very finished apartment in mid-winter, bugless and cold, to a summery open aired lively tree house where Knysna loeries greet me with their red wings and snakes dance in my ceiling chasing after their dinner. I have fallen into an ecosystem where my dogs chase every sound they hear and the mice jump through the trees after fireflies. I feel inspired, I feel as if I am part of the world instead of a bystander.
I am inspired by the mere existence of the world around me, by every passing sound and every little being. The world once again feels alive.
For the first time in forever, I can feel the energy in the earth around me, I can hear the sounds of life and I can smell more than just a man-made reality, I can feel the world embrace the evening, I can feel time slow and I can enjoy the world in all its awe.
England was fast-paced, brutal and character building, it made me feel obsolete and disconnected from everything. I forgot to live and I forgot to appreciate every moment. I somehow got stuck in the work-eat-sleep routine and landed up living for my payday because the thought of not making bills each month ate me up inside and forced me into a constant state of panic and anxiety. I lost my health, hit my head and watched myself fall apart.
I can say I grew tenfold whilst in England and learned lessons that would have taken me years to grasp but it also destroyed a part of me I never really knew was so important until now. I lost my spirit and became a number in a company, someone who could be replaced and forgotten, I became a passing face and I allowed myself to accept that as 'normal.' But I hated it, my soul craved excitement, adventure, and a purpose, I could feel my body hating me for who I was allowing myself to become. I was giving up on my dreams and watching myself blend into the background. Yes it made me strong, and it taught me to fight for my rights and settle for nothing less than I deserve, but I found myself fighting for money, fighting for a lifestyle that kept me sick and kept me broken.
And then I hit my head. Literally! It was like waking up from a dream, maybe it was the unbelievable pain or the doctors telling me I couldn't work or just a combination of both. You see, not being able to work meant I would not be paid and that meant I would not make bills at the end of the month, the pain made me emotional and the threat of losing my job on top of that was so overwhelming it woke me up. I realised the loop I had formed for myself, living payday to payday, unable to take a break to heal and unable to take a moment to breathe.
One thing lead to another and I left, I left the hospitality industry and I left England.
Yes, I left the life I created for myself, the bad but also the good, my friends, people I saw as family and irreplaceable love. For me those things stay through distance, the good is stronger than anything bad could ever be, so I do find myself missing some moments and missing the faces that made me smile but I know they are close to my heart and have burrowed into my soul. I left because there is a point when you know you can no longer survive in a lifestyle that eats you up, I left because I couldn't afford to get the help I needed on the salary I earned, I left because my body is my anchor to this reality and my time on earth is nowhere near up and I would not allow myself to be sucked into the rat race.
So here I stand in a tree house, listening to the crickets fill the night air, breathing in the salty breeze fresh off the ocean and I feel as my body thanks me for choosing her over the promise of riches, choosing to heal her in a safe environment and choosing to allow myself to take a moment and recenter in who I know I am.
I have chosen my happiness over the promise of fame, and I have chosen to continue choosing this until the end. I am starting to heal the parts of me I felt broke and I am listening to what my body needs, for the first time in forever I am allowing myself to slow down and letting gratitude in, letting my body appreciate the soil between my toes and letting my body feel each breathe as it heals me.
I find it is easy to get caught up in empty promises, when you look at other peoples lives and see the world they have; it can look quite neat and inviting, but most of the time we follow blindly into a world we did not intend on ending up in, simply because it's easier than fighting for the life that looks excited and chaotic. I don't think many people believe they deserve more than what they see their neighbours have. I think that's societies biggest fault. We settle instead of fighting, we forget that each and every single one of us is as deserving as anyone else to end up in the existence we dream of.
So a word from me to all, do not allow yourself to be consumed into a lifestyle just because you fear the unknown, fight for your dreams, fight for what makes your heart race. Make sacrifices for that lifestyle you desire and do not under any circumstances settle for less. You are deserving of whatever it is that makes you jump out of bed, excited to meet each fresh day.
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